Day 2 Reflections

What to say….what a powerful day, full of emotions. Today and yesterday were difficult for me. They brought back memories that I didn’t want to revisit, painful memories. Losing a child is so painful. Losing a child because of preventable mistakes is unacceptable.

The faculty are so amazing, so strong, I don’t know how they do it. I have not been able to move past losing Sebastian. His death broke me and my wife. We were crushed, walking through life without really living, just existing. For me, it was like being underwater. I felt like I was always drowning, over and over again. Then I just stopped feeling, stopped caring about anything. I didn’t want to feel anymore, I didn’t want the tears anymore. It took me a long time to get back to living life again.

I remember family and friends trying to make us feel better. They would tell us, “he’s in a better place”, “it’s God’s plan”, “You need to be strong for each other”….the list goes on. Everything they said to us was total BS! It didn’t make us feel better, how could anyone think that it ever would? The worst was, “you guys are young, you’ll have another baby”. like he was just a toy or some goldfish, that you replace so easily. I think sometimes people should just not try to make someone “feel better”. There truly is nothing you can say that would make it better. I know they all meant no harm, but it was only hurting us more. A parent should never have to bury a child.

Coming here, I didn’t know what to expect. I thought I would learn how to become a better physician. Learn ways to reduce or prevent medical errors.  I would learn how to not make a mistake that could cost a family their little baby, who hadn’t even lived life yet. And while I’m thankful for the opportunity to be here with all these amazing people; I was not prepared for the emotional roller coaster ride. I’ve had to fight back tears and relive painful memories. Some wounds never heal.

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